Lighting The Olympic Torch

I work for the federal government as an admin assistant. My boss is a
single woman, a fact she bemoans to anyone who will listen. She does
not know how to keep her personal matters private.

She usually spends the afternoons laughing and chatting with friends
on the phone. Though she sits in her office the door is open, and her
voice carries to the far end of the room.

One time at work, only days after the 2010 Vancouver Olympics began,
she was talking with some friend on the telephone and trashing the
opening ceremonies. A gaff had occurred when only 3 of the 4 torches
rose from below ground, allowing only 3 of the 4 sports stars to
light them. My boss ranted to her friend about how the torches looked
like dildos. “Whoever designed those things was using a dildo for
inspiration, I’m sure of it!” She was practically screaming and
laughing about the dildos, and must have said the word about 20
times during that conversation.

I snickered at my desk. I guess my single female boss knows a lot
about dildoes, and now the whole office is aware of her “carnal
knowledge”, too.

Empire State Of Mind

I worked for a large investment firm in NYC and my manager was the VP
of the department. One day, she asked me to run a personal errand for
her, which was not uncommon. She gave me her credit card and sent me
to Carnegie Hall to purchase tickets for an upcoming show. The
tickets were approx. $1,000 in total, and when I gave them the credit
card to pay for it, they asked me for ID. Since it wasn’t my card,
obviously I could not provide ID. They took me to the security office
and, lucky for me, they allowed me to call my boss. They said if she
could come down with ID, they wouldn’t have me arrested. I called my
boss and explained to her what happened, and she said she’d come
down. I sat there for FOUR hours, and when she finally came, she
didn’t even apologize to me! She was an evil, ugly woman who ended
up marrying a total mooch who sucked her dry and made her pay for
her own engagement ring. She got what she deserved.

The Ideal Secretary

Several years ago, I was hired to work for a partner in a law firm.
We seemed to have a pretty good relationship and the work was very
difficult and demanding but I was keeping up with it. Then about 4
months into the job, Secretaries’ Day arrived and the firm’s policy
was that each attorney would take his secretary to lunch and the firm
would reimburse him for the charge. One other real ass-kissing
secretary’s boss was out of town so my boss was designated to take
her with us. We’re sitting in the restaurant and she starts sucking
up to him. “Bill, why don’t you tell us what YOU think makes the
ideal secretary because I’m sure NOBODY knows better than a demanding
guy like you with YOUR high standards!” He smirks a bit and says
“Well, the ideal secretary should have a good bit of experience, I’d
say at LEAST 10 years.” I smiled, I had almost precisely that. “And
of course, she should be a very fast typist” (I’d been in a typing
competition locally and he knew this). “And I would expect her to be
very efficient and have good computer skills” (I had that and I’m
thinking isn’t that nice, he’s describing me.) Then he said “And
of course, the best thing is to find all of that in a single mom because
they always need money bad enough that you can really dump on them,
they can’t afford to quit, and you don’t have to give them that much
notice of overtime. Besides, what are they going to do, walk? Then
how would they feed their kids?” I WAS A SINGLE PARENT.

I started hating him that day.

A Little R & R

My actual boss is absent most of the time so one of the guys in my
small team has taken it upon himself to be the “acting manager”.

Problem is, he’s an unprofessional douche.

Yesterday he pulled me aside for a chat that started with “Now it’s
none of my business what your home habits are, but you look very
sleepy when you come in every morning…” before degrading to “You
look like you’ve had 400 Kilograms of heroin.”

I was seriously being busted for not being perky enough in the
morning. I work on an IT help desk, since when was perky a prerequisite for
employment? I pointed out that 400 kilograms of heroin was enough to kill a small
nation.

His response was “Reality doesn’t need to be a factor in his
argument.”