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Anal Beads

In 2007 I moved to a new city and began job hunting. Whilst walking
along the river I saw a sign for a job in a bead shop, so I hastily
took down the contact details, rushed home and sent the boss an email
enquiring about the vacancy.

A week later I had an interview and got the job.

Things started off brilliantly – I was able to negotiate my hours;
the pay was reasonable; I loved what I was doing everyday; I thought
my boss was charming, interesting and full of colourful stories about
his life. Everything seemed completely perfect and I was the happiest
I’d ever been. I also made friends with a kindred soul who also loved
beads and jewellery making.

After about 10 days some cracks began to show in the shiny veneer of
my wonderful new job. I started to notice one or two very minor
inconsistencies with my boss’s stories. I noticed how he’d tell my
friend one thing and me something else.

As the weeks progressed the stories became more elaborate. He told me
he’d slept (unknowingly) with his half-brother; that he had three
half-brothers and a half-sister and they were all gay; that his
father was the owner of a massive multi-national company; that he’d
lent certain people large sums of money… At first I believed him -
the stories were shocking but plausible. I even once said to him
‘Your life reads like a soap-opera script!’ to which he laughed.

Soon, though, the lies became malicious. We’d recently moved into a
new shop premises and my boss began telling people that the shops on
either side were moving out and we were taking over, to create a
massive space just for beads. This of course was a lie and caused the
owners on either side to constantly give us dirty looks – at the time
myself and my colleagues didn’t know why, we were lead to believe
they were ‘just jealous’. We also had regular visitations from a
large, angry man demanding money. As soon as he turned up my boss
would scuttle into the storeroom to hide, telling us this man had a
vendetta against him for no reason. It transpired my boss owed this
man quite a bit of money.

Soon after the lies about the shop premises started my friend and my
boss had an enormous falling-out. After day or two had passed my boss
told me my friend had visited him in the middle of the night, while
his partner was away, and thrown a brick through his window and had
‘run off cackling with her mate’. He’d called a window-fitter friend
to sort out the window – at 2am. This was a lie as well.

He also said my friend was now a drunk and was regularly seen around
the city, hammered and sleeping with other men (she was married).

Here is a list of a few of his other lies: that he and his partner
were adopting a child from Africa; that he was a Karate black belt;
that he designed dresses for celebrities and massive fashion houses;
and, rather oddly, that he was born in Canada (he was born in the

I left that job after 3 months (not only was my boss a liar, he was
also incompetent and lazy with customers – ignoring complaints about
missing orders and other negligent behavior).

My parting gift from my lying boss was him telling people I’d stolen
money from the till. Suffice to say, I did not ask him for a

13 Comments to Anal Beads

  1. And this folks is why you research any company before whimsically applying for a position!

  2. t-rex on December 21st, 2012
  3. At least op you never caught him shoveling anal beads in his butt.

  4. Kate on December 21st, 2012
  5. I must admit, I read this story, and I, well, I, I just…I just don’t get the point.

    Long, boring, randomly pointless…I think I need some gold lamee underwear. Is Walter at work?

  6. Sir JP on December 21st, 2012
  7. Did he died?

  8. The Oxford Comma on December 21st, 2012
  9. The title of this story is highly inappropriate. I reckon the story teller might be a liar, as it doesn’t sound to me as though he or she has proof that any of these “lies” aren’t actually the truth, for example, the boss’s claim that he was born in Canada. Have you had occasion to view a certified copy of his birth certificate, story teller?

  10. Walternate the Costco Fareweller on December 21st, 2012
  11. Indeed, there is nothing worse than a boss with a questionable birthplace.

    In recent news, I discovered the value of marsupial lactation.

    As my dear late father used to say, Have yourself a hairy little mistress.

  12. Sir JP on December 21st, 2012
  13. I don’t get what the title has to do with the story other than one common word.

    I was expecting somewhere in there that the boss stocked some larger beads and had the employee string them for him to use in an intimate way.

  14. Trisha on December 21st, 2012
  15. I’m still here

    Mayan’s 0
    Me 1

    I win, although I feel ridiculous sitting here in my mother’s wedding dress.


  16. urbanpossum on December 21st, 2012
  17. I have just discovered that ALL of my calendars end on Dec 31st…the world must be ending that day!!!!

  18. Sir JP on December 21st, 2012
  19. OP here is something that isn’t a lie, your spelling is ATROCIOUS. That means bad, you illiterate swamp troglodyte.

  20. kcmookie on December 21st, 2012
  21. A bad boss, for sure. I had a local friend who told me elaborate stories. I didn’t NEED proof to know they were BS. You can spot lies, right Walt? So can the OP. So can I. Those were lies. My ex-friend used to tell me he was part of a local secret society; he had been inducted into a group of druids; he would belch so loudly that he’d crack ribs; all sorts of junk.

  22. Zephyr Skunk on December 21st, 2012
  23. My following post is quite long, and I apologize for that length. If you do not care to read it, please do not complain as though its mere existence has forced you to do so against your will.

    I do not see any misspellings beyond – and it seems I must modify this word – j*wellery, which is a common misspelling based on an equally-common mispronunciation. The lack of a space in ‘everyday’ could be called out, too, I suppose.

    The OP used a number of ‘big’ words, used them correctly, had otherwise excellent spelling, and used proper grammar. This story was very readable. In fact, it was enjoyably readable, especially compared to some of the dreck that gets posted here on a regular basis. OP, I’ll give you bonus points for using the proper “suffice to say,” indicating that the evidence already presented makes the case, instead of the common and irksome “needless to say,” which, when posted here, gets the mocking it deserves.

    As to the story itself, I would have quit, too. Tellers of tall tales cause problems wherever they are. A colleague used to work with, not for – he was a co-worker, not a supervisor – someone who was something like this. He tried to tell my eldest son, who is an expert in casino security, that he had helped develop the modern system of RFID in casino chips; this system is not discussed in great detail in public, and for good reason. My son, not taking this from square one as necessarily truth or lie, provided ID to show that he was qualified to discuss the intricacies of RFID, then began asking questions. Naturally, this quickly knocked his tale full of gaping holes, since he had to make up details on-the-spot.

    The big failing of liars of this caliber is that they usually end up tailoring their stories to the individual. This can be both their strongest and weakest point, and is a strong point only if the individuals can be convinced that there are reasons for them not to talk to each other. The best way to test a suspected creative liar is to talk at length about what he told you to other people he knows, especially those he has painted as your enemies, and see if the stories match. If there are big differences, you have a verified liar, and you can now proceed with due caution. In this case, it would have been wise to actually ask the shop-keeps next door; perhaps you would have not only cleared up the misconceptions, but also found some friends. A reconciling between people turned against each other by a third party often ends in friendship and mutual aid.

  24. Keith Knight on December 21st, 2012
  25. Bees?

  26. Jim on December 22nd, 2012

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