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Ask Me About My Wiener

I had trouble with my previous supervisor and submitted two stories to
this world wide website which posted some time ago. That supervisor
has since moved on. I work in a warehouse store, checking receipts as
customers exit the building with their purchased merchandise. My new
supervisor is a heathen whore who attempts to insert inappropriate
innuendo into every single conversation she has with me. I believe she
is attracted to me and wishes to make me her “sugar daddy.” Adding to
her whore-ishness is her ethnic background, as she is an Oriental who
often speaks in the devil tongue. She will purchase hot dogs and
sausages to eat at lunch, and she insists on taking her lunch during
my breaks. She will then proceed to eat the phallic meats in front of
me in the manner of a Syrian, gyrating her tongue about it as though
she is trying to seduce me. She often grabs my hand and says, “Oh
Walter, I believe we can be friends just as Adam and Eve!” She speaks
a lot of being on her knees, but something in her demeanor indicates
she is not speaking of prayer. I simply do not know how to act around
this woman.

63 Comments to Ask Me About My Wiener

  1. Walter, it seems to me you are developing a crush on this woman. How would Tova feel about this?

  2. stupid on October 11th, 2012
  3. I’m kinda more curious as to how Tova feels about being called Oriental. Rugs are Oriental, not people.

  4. The Oxford Comma on October 11th, 2012
  5. Yeah, it’s kind of an outdated term. Like calling black people “colored”, or calling Native Americans “red skins”.

  6. stupid on October 11th, 2012
  7. I CALL BULLSHIT!!!

  8. Red Raider on October 11th, 2012
  9. True. Rugs are “Oriental.” People are Chinese, or Taiwanese, or Korean, or Japanese. You chastise us when we do not use proper language and terminology. You, too, do the same, if you please. No one has used terms like “orientals” or “negroes,” another term you seem to keep in your vocabulary, for fifty years. Why? Because they are now extremely improper at best, offensive at worst.

    Eating sausages is not a sin, or it would be mentioned explicitly in the Bible. However, fellating sausages as though they are genitalia, as well as her commentary, do seem to indicate that she has a crush on you. You would be wise either to tell her that you will accept her interest if she accepts your terms, or tell her that you are uncomfortable with her interest and will be reporting her to her supervisors if she continues.

  10. Keith Knight on October 11th, 2012
  11. This isn’t Walt because he said he had no want bosses before.

  12. Kate on October 11th, 2012
  13. Apparently me attempt at a comment is moderated, so allow me to alter a few things. and try again.

    True. Rugs are “Oriental.” People are Chinese, or Taiwanese, or Korean, or Japanese. You chastise us when we do not use proper language and terminology. You, too, do the same, if you please. No one has used terms like “orientals” or “neg roes,” another term you seem to keep in your vocabulary, for fifty years. Why? Because they are now extremely improper at best, offensive at worst.

    Eating sausages is not a sin, or it would be mentioned explicitly in the Bible. However, fell ating sausages as though they are genit alia, as well as her commentary, do seem to indicate that she has a crush on you. You would be wise either to tell her that you will accept her interest if she accepts your terms, or tell her that you are uncomfortable with her interest and will be reporting her to her supervisors if she continues.

  14. Keith Knight on October 11th, 2012
  15. Keith, Walter perceives things much differently than the rest of us. I kind of doubt she tongued the sausage or hot dog like that. He probably just watched a little too closely while she ate it.

  16. stupid on October 11th, 2012
  17. I do not appreciate the title the administrators of this world wide website have bestowed unto my story. I entitled it “The Heathen Whore.” I must admit, I was quite surprised and unhappy when it was revealed in September that my new boss was a woman, but in my attempt to accept modernity I have done my best to treat her as I would any other boss.

    Kate, what are you trying to say? “[H]e had no want bosses before” does not appear to be written by someone who speaks English.

  18. Walternate the Costco Fareweller on October 11th, 2012
  19. kate finally someone who writes worst than i do and thats saying a LOT!! lol

  20. Joachim on October 11th, 2012
  21. Walter, just propose to her and be done with it. I’m sure $50 will cover the proposition fee.

  22. t-rex on October 11th, 2012
  23. Sugar Daddy? Your supervisor makes more money than you.

  24. Max on October 11th, 2012
  25. @Oxford Comma. Not to mention that “Oriental” when applied to rugs means what we now would call “middle eastern”.

  26. Max on October 11th, 2012
  27. I have an oriental rug in my office right in front of my desk.

  28. stupid on October 11th, 2012
  29. It doesn’t count if Walter gets his woman to scream “Oh God! Oh God!” in bed. Walter should also let his boss touch his weiner. Walter might like it.

  30. JD Storm on October 11th, 2012
  31. I gotta agree. If anyone eats a hot dog near Walt the way most people eat a hot dog (open mouth, chomp off a bite, chew) he’d see it as “gyrating their tongue around it.” “Devil tongue”? Wonder what language he thinks the books that became the Bible were written in, or what languages they were translated into first. Or what language Jesus and those who knew him spoke. (hint: Jesus spoke Aramaic, though maybe he knew Greek and/or Hebrew, too.)

  32. Zephyr Skunk on October 11th, 2012
  33. Walt would you that boss to eat your weiner the way she eats those hot dogs?

  34. Kate on October 11th, 2012
  35. A relatively poor attempt at pretending to be Walter.

  36. SirJP on October 11th, 2012
  37. Eat my weiner Kate, you illiterate whore.

  38. Donkey Puncher on October 11th, 2012
  39. Costco, as you have pointed out to so many others, “the boss is always right”. Do as you’re told little man. If she wants to be friends “as Adam and Eve”, go buy yourself a fig leaf and say “yes ma’am!”.

  40. Trisha on October 11th, 2012
  41. Dolt!!

  42. urbanpossum on October 11th, 2012
  43. Agreed with Trisha. You’ve said that bosses are ALWAYS correct – that that’s why they’re bosses.

  44. Zephyr Skunk on October 11th, 2012
  45. …walter you failed to mention if shes hot or not.

  46. someone on October 11th, 2012
  47. Someone, Walter is so sexually inhibited that all women must look hot to him. Seriously, he’s like steam in a pressure cooker waiting to blow!

  48. t-rex on October 11th, 2012
  49. It is probably inappropriate to say so, but her hips are sufficient to birth a child, although her mammary glands may not allow her to provide the proper amount of nutrition needed by a growing infant.

    Zephyr Skunk, you insist on misquoting me every chance you get. There are a few exceptions to that rule, as I have made very clear in the past, and most of those exceptions involve females as bosses. I have expressed numerous times that I do not believe women belong in positions of power on account of hormonal fluctuations and the fact that they belong in the home raising the children and managing the household, unless circumstances beyond their control force them into the workplace, such as the death of the breadwinning husband.

  50. Walternate the Costco Fareweller on October 11th, 2012
  51. Repressed, sexually repressed is what I meant to say.

    It’s not that I abuse the thesaurus, I just have a hard time coming up with words from time to time.

  52. t-rex on October 11th, 2012
  53. Forgive the apparent misquote. I’d assumed what I said was meant by, “women have no place in the workforce.”

    You apparently have no interest in things like “love” or “attraction” or “compatibility.” Find a girl who can birth kids. Tab “A” goes into slot “B.” Children happen. End of story.

    Would’ve thought God would want us to, y’know, enjoy each others’ faces and bodies, love each others’ personalities, share a kinship that goes beyond mere mechanical procreation. Besides, wasn’t “be fruitful and multiply” the commandment to Noah after the flood, to repopulate the earth? The earth HAS been repopulated; in fact, it’s now extremely overpopulated.

  54. Zephyr Skunk on October 11th, 2012
  55. Hmmmmm…..i thin what the problem is….you are a soft handed homo. does this person even exist>i doubt it. nice try you old fruit,

  56. Bobby Nation on October 11th, 2012
  57. …so what are you saying, skunk? stop multiplying? be asexual??? who’d do that?!

  58. someone on October 11th, 2012
  59. Naah, just poking fun – not really at Walt, but at the “quiverfull” types who think the commandment still stands, and that you aren’t commanded to simply procreate, but procreate as much as you possibly can. have ten kids. Twenty. Thirty if you can. The more you have, the more God loves you.

  60. Zephyr Skunk on October 11th, 2012
  61. Zephyr Skunk must be barren and embittered.

  62. Walternate the Costco Fareweller on October 11th, 2012
  63. not to start any fights or anything but to kind of ride on the coat tails of your comment, skunk, i want to add that i dont think god or abraham or moses would be mad if a joo decided to eat pork, shrimp, or crab or anything else that isnt kosher…..
    …but what do i know? i am a heathen whore or often gets spending money by escorting…….

  64. someone on October 11th, 2012
  65. “Barren” refers to women, Walt. Unless I switched genders since I showered this morning, I don’t think that applies. Men are “sterile,” and I don’t consider that an insult – I wouldn’t care. If I did want kids, I’d much rather adopt; there’s countless kids just waiting for a good family.

    Someone, gotta agree with you, I think those were originally laws written due to problems with spoilage, those (and pork) being the things that can REALLY kill you if they’re spoiled.

    I feel similarly about Leviticus. I think people of the time went, “These are OUR laws. We’re certain that we’re God’s people. By proxy, these must be God’s laws.” I still don’t see why the one that supposedly refers to gay people is still vitally important, but others (like prohibitions on wearing clothes of mixed fiber, mixing crops in a field, oh and stoning unruly kids to death) aren’t followed. And for some reason, no one follows the rules about giving food and money to the poor.

  66. Zephyr Skunk on October 11th, 2012
  67. AND WHY DID IT TAKE HIM 40 YEARS TO LEAD THEM OUT OF THE DESERT? WAS HE WALKKING IN CIRCLES?????….lol i dont get that part either….but i havent gone to church in a long time…unless you count watching joel osteen on tv one sunday morning becaus i was hungover and too lazy to turn the channel……….

  68. someone on October 11th, 2012
  69. Someone, I’m guess he wandered 40 years because GPS wasn’t a bit dodgy back then.

    Oh! I’m good.

  70. stupid on October 11th, 2012
  71. LOL Stupid. These days, there are scientists predicting real scientifically-rooted events that could have caused miracles like the parting of the sea… I think this hints interestingly at the notion that science and God are NOT incompatible but, rather, that God created a framework and set of rules, what we call science, by which the world and everything in it runs.

  72. Zephyr Skunk on October 11th, 2012
  73. Uh, yeah, of course. If God is the creator of all things, then God created science and its rules belong to Him. Science, evolution, and all that stuff doesn’t prove God doesn’t exist whatsoever.

  74. stupid on October 11th, 2012
  75. And, by the way…I meant GPS WAS a bit dodgy back then.
    Ruined my own joke. OY VEY!

  76. stupid on October 11th, 2012
  77. lol Who says barren anymore?

  78. The Oxford Comma on October 11th, 2012
  79. You just did.

  80. stupid on October 11th, 2012
  81. I’ve made typos like that, too. I got what you were sayin’.

    We KNOW evolution of some sort occurs – we’ve got evidence of that – so why is it so hard to suppose that God created the world to work that way? I suppose because it isn’t in the Bible. Every detail of the way the world operates wasn’t exactly recorded.

  82. Zephyr Skunk on October 11th, 2012
  83. Your gender confuses me, Zephyr Skunk, thus I thought it entirely possible that you are indeed barren. Perhaps you are both barren and sterile.

    Evolution does not exist and any so-called “evidence” to suggest otherwise is fabricated. Do not be so naive, Zephyr Skunk, science is not infallable. Only God is infallable, praise be!

  84. Walternate the Costco Fareweller on October 11th, 2012
  85. This Joooo loves me some bacon. Bacon bacon bacon bacon. God doesn’t seem to be too pissed at me and he doesn’t give a fuck who I sleep with. I’m just saying.

  86. urbanpossum on October 11th, 2012
  87. God is infallable indeed, praise be! Humans, however, are a different matter: How can any of us say that we understand the way He did everything and what is and isn’t correct? We’re imperfect. We can’t. We CAN understand some of the ways He made things work. Big difference: A fundamentalist Christian may say, “This IS true, for certain!” No good scientist will ever say that.

    Best example of evolution in action: The Peppered Moth. During the coal soot invasion due to the Industrial Revolution, the peppered moth, which has a spotted pattern to blend in with lichen on trees, changed – the lighter-colored ones didn’t blend in with moss any more, so they got eaten, and the relatively scarce dark ones hid better and so bred better. Over time, the species began to be predominantly soot-colored.

    Things don’t just CHANGE. Monkeys didn’t turn into humans. One species can’t turn into another. What happens is survival of the fittest; some variants in a species die off and a different variant breeds better and takes over.

  88. Zephyr Skunk on October 11th, 2012
  89. And by the way, were I female, I’d be happy to be barren. I’m male, so I’d be happy to be sterile. Both would assume I’m inter-gender and I’m not, at least last time I checked. I don’t want to raise children.

  90. Zephyr Skunk on October 11th, 2012
  91. Hey Walter. I agree with you 100%. I am pretty sure you will find true romance in a stall at the Minneapolis Airport men’s room – Just like Larry Craig – Jesus loves you—-”long time”

  92. Decent American on October 11th, 2012
  93. I am just a guy that reads this website when I am bored, but you guys are like the tightest internet clique I have ever seen. Maybe I am a web noob and just don’t spend enough time on comments sections, but damn. Y’all need to plan a Vegas trip together so you can talk smack in person with hookers and beers. Oh wait Walter probably wouldn’t approve. Keep on with the great comments section.

  94. Nad on October 11th, 2012
  95. Thanks. We’ve kinda got a microcosm here. And no, Walt wouldn’t approve of beer – though I wonder if he’d drink the non-alcoholic stuff (not that non-alcoholic beer is worth drinking, since it’s basically barely-flavored water).

  96. Zephyr Skunk on October 11th, 2012
  97. And yes, I meant BARELY-flavored – not “barley” flavored, though that works, too.

  98. Zephyr Skunk on October 11th, 2012
  99. If someone is funding that trip to Vegas, I’m in.

  100. t-rex on October 12th, 2012
  101. ALL HAIL THE ZOMBIE JESUS!
    I felt the need to throw in a comment, as I haven’t been very active lately (curse my busy schedule!).

  102. pixie on October 12th, 2012
  103. Zephyr, you’re an idiot. What do you mean “things don’t just CHANGE”. Yes things change – it’s generally a slow process but it does occur.

    Science and Christianity are incompatible because science accepts that people were not always as they are now (they evolved from a lesser being) whereas Christianity believes in the docturne that God created man in his own image and therefore we are as we have always been.

  104. Trisha on October 12th, 2012
  105. you mean if this someone is funding that trip…or did you just mean someone, as in somebody, as in anyone, as in anybody…? lol becausse everytime a person says “someone”, i think they mean me…

  106. someone on October 12th, 2012
  107. Trisha, see, you’re just wrong. I am a Christian and yes, I believe we are created in God’s image. But, I don’t believe that we just *POOF* came into existence overnight. We evolved over millions and millions of years to become what we are today, God’s image. Science and Christianity can be completely compatible.

    There is a certain segment of Christiantiy, Trisha, that believes that we were created in our current form. There are Christians who believe that the early is roughly 6,000 years old. There are those who believe dinosaurs never existed or they existed at the same time as humans. The educated Christians laugh at that because we believe in science also.

  108. stupid on October 12th, 2012
  109. Stupid, while you may personally believe that (the mixture of the two “faiths”), church doctrine does not. No church has publically stated that view.

  110. Trisha on October 12th, 2012
  111. bullshit, trisha. Mine church has. Catholics don’t believe in the new earth theory. Most protestant churches don’t either. bullshit bullshit bullshit, Trisha.

    Even the late Pope John Paul acknowledged the concept of “theistic evolution” – agreeing with Darwin’s evolutionary theory, given that one accepts God’s guidance in the process

    A 2005 articles in the Christian Post said “Catholics can believe in evolution just as long as God’s involvement is acknowledged, according to some top Catholic leaders.”

    So, what’s next, Trisha? Care to argue more with me?

  112. stupid on October 12th, 2012
  113. Doesn’t matter, Trisha. I don’t really care what “church doctrine” says, because every branch of the church has its own ideas. These are usually extremely incompatible with each other, and each insists they’re right and all the others are wrong.

  114. Zephyr Skunk on October 12th, 2012
  115. Ah, religion. The topic that ALWAYS brings out the best in people.
    Even Athiests can get all high-and-mighty.

    This is why I choose to label myself as an Apathist, lol. I consider myself a decent person, so if there is a Heaven, i think I will end up there. If there isn’t, then I will cease to exist and my corpse will rot just like everyone else’s.

  116. Common Sense? on October 12th, 2012
  117. Here’s the flaw in your thought, common sense. If there is a heaven, you HAVE to believe that Jesus is the son of God and through him you’ll have ever lasting life. You can’t just get there by being a decent person.

  118. Buckley on October 12th, 2012
  119. which, honestly – what a rip off. Yeah, you were a great person to everyone, but… no heaven for you. Thanks for helping out though.

    Stupid is correct, Trisha. 12 years of catholic school taught contextualism when reading the bible, not literalism. went so far as to show at what point in the old testament there was historical support. fundamentalist christians tend to lean toward literal translation of the bible, your more centrist sects do not.

  120. patrick on October 12th, 2012
  121. to borrow something from south american footballers UHM TROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL

  122. Not A Real Person on October 16th, 2012
  123. If we aren’t supposed to call them orientals, what are we supposed to call them? Chineses?

  124. Eva on October 16th, 2012
  125. 1st off, if all that is the case, yes that is gross. But secondly, “Heathen whore”? “Adding to her whore-ishness is her ethnic background, as she is an Oriental who often speaks in the devil tongue.”? I get that you may not be pagan, but that doesn’t give you a right to say things like that. And her ethnicity adds to her “whore-ishness? How racist can you get? I don’t care what you believe or don’t believe, but if you can’t control yourself enough to at least try not to offend people maybe you should start practicing. Try to start with imagining how you would feel if your people were persecuted for merely existing and believing in something. How much joy would you feel if I called you a “dick-faced closed-minded homo habilis with a phallic obsession?” If you feel good about that maybe you should see a therapist.

  126. Alice on May 2nd, 2013

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