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Competing Events
Years ago before my freshman year in high school I was a part of the
marching band color guard at my school. My band director (who was,
for all intents and purposes, my boss) was an ass. He didn’t seem to
grasp the concept that we were people. There was a second assistant
director who was actually pretty cool, and we got along fine. It was
the head honcho, however, that I wanted to stick down a drainpipe
during a flash flood.
Towards the end of the season, a boy from my church that I didn’t
know killed himself. I was a complete wreck. The magnitude of how
incomprehensible I was still astonishes me to this day (because as I
said, I didn’t know him). A “Celebration of Life” party was being
held on a Friday at the same time as a game, and his funeral was
being held the following Saturday during a marching band and color
guard competition. I could handle missing the Friday gathering, but I
told my director that I was going to miss the Saturday competition
because there was a funeral I needed to attend.
There was no sympathy from him. He looked at me, shrugged, and said,
“I suppose you could go. You’d be letting everyone in the band down,
of course, so if this is more important…. You should know, though,
that by going I will effectively kick you out of color guard.”
I was flabbergasted. I asked him why, and he told me that I needed to
choose what was more important, my bandmates or a funeral. I couldn’t
believe it.
Much to my regret, I did miss the funeral. If there’s one thing I
wish I’d done differently during my time knowing him, it’s that I
wish I’d skipped the competition and told him exactly what I thought
of him. It does bring me slight happiness, however, knowing that he
eventually divorced his equally insane wife and got laid off. (Yeah.
There are two meanings to that.)
46 Comments to Competing Events
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Well, as you said, you didn’t know the person that committed suicide. Having said that, I agree that attending the funeral in honor of the guy was the right thing to do if you believe it was.
anyways, the band director was an ass and acted foolishly and child-like. But explain to me, since I’m obviously “stupid”, what are the two meanings? Anything I think of just really does not make sense in the context in which you mentioned it.
So you’re made at your “boss” because he didn’t want to excuse you from a team competition so you could go to the funeral of a complete stranger? He’s right, you’re really letting your other team members down to attend a function that has nothing to do with you. Get over yourself and suck it up.
“Towards the end of the season, a boy from my church that I DIDN’T KNOW killed himself. I was a COMPLETE WRECK.” (Emphasis mine).
Look, I’m going to say it: User error.
I’m not saying it’s not a tragedy, and it’s certainly cause for pause and reflection. But a complete collapse of your own psyche? Nah.
This sort of over-empathic instability makes me wonder as to the personality of the band director. If he even slightly tipped the scale in the alpha male direction, then I could see you being so far removed from that personality type that you thought him to be a complete ass.
So you wanted to throw off colorguard because someone you DON’T know killed themselves? I feel sorry for the family, but why would you freak out over someone you didn’t even know? That sounds kinda stupid.
A teacher is not the same thing as a boss, especially when you are a minor and in school.
I have a lot of negative things I could say but my mom always told me “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” What I will say is that in your lifetime you will experience deaths that are close to you and even more of people you didn’t know or barely knew. Please see a psychiatrist as you don’t seem to handle death well.
So, you wanted to go to a funeral for someone you didn’t know? You were emotionally wrecked because someone you didn’t know committed suicide? Wow. I hope you don’t read the obituaries in your local newspaper or you will be emotionally destroyed and will have MANY funerals to attend!
Sorry, but I don’t agree with you wanting the time away to go to a funeral for a person you didn’t even know. Get used to the disappointment because in the working world, I don’t foresee any boss giving you time off to go to a funeral for someone you didn’t know.
while the band director clearly acted like a dick, what does this have to do with a bad boss? unless this color guard was a job that you were paid for, this story doesn’t belong here. WTF moderators?!!??!
I’m not really understanding…the OP was upset because s/he couldn’t go to a funeral of a person they didn’t know? Yeah, it’s sad when people die but, c’mon…I mean, do you go to random funerals of people you don’t know?
Why was it so important that you go to someone’s funeral that you don’t know and make such a big stink about it? I dont ask for time off to go to a funeral when some one in my company that works in China dies. Kind of the same principle there isn’t it?
Grow a pair, you didn’t know him, you didn’t need to be there.
The magnitude of how incomprehensible you are still astonishes me. But then, I don’t know you.
Take solace in the fact that the man lost his marriage and job as karmic retribution for, insensitively (admittedly), keeping you from the funeral of a stranger. Learned that in church, hmm?
Flabbergasting.
………..you didn’t know him……..?
im sorry for your loss? but you cant just skip something you’ve committed yourself to because a person you didn’t know has died.
about 146,000 people die every day in this world. and yet it keeps on spinning.
I understand he was a part of your church, but you didn’t even know him.
Your band director was right…. you were letting your team down to go and “grieve” someone you didn’t know and probably never had much thought about (like you said, you were astonished that you were shaken over his death).
OP where do YOU think the line should be drawn? A friend of a friend of a friend’s brother’s in-laws mother’s second cousin? Perhaps your third cousins part time dog walker’s great uncle? Someone knows and loves these people but if they were not an important part of OUR lives then we have to say a prayer for them and move on.
A prayer would have been part of your sunday service at church. there is no reason for you to go to the funeral.
I feel deep sympathy for this post, but none for you.
I’m truly sorry that someone you didn’t know died and you couldn’t go to their funeral. Do you go to funerals everyday now for all the other folks you don’t know who die?
Color Guard is a team activity: if you aren’t there, there is no one who can (literally) fill the whole you leave. If you aren’t there, you leave the rest of your team in a worse position (they probably didn’t know the person either, but I bet they made it to the competition!)
The director may have been an ass, the best usually are. But that has nothing to do with you letting your team down for some random person who happens to have the same religious view you do. This wasn’t about the director, and this wasn’t about the boy; this was about you. And it doesn’t sound like you’ve grown up much since then.
So you felt guilty that you didn’t get to know someone better before he killed himself and then to try and make yourself feel better, you make the Band Director out to be an ass who “forced” you to choose between his funeral and the competition? Even still – if you felt so strongly about it, why did you choose to skip the funeral? You did have a choice, you know.
Sounds like you’re trying to rid yourself of some guilt over this guy’s suicide. But try doing it in a healthy way rather than blaming your Band Director.
So let me get this straight…… you expected no problem to miss an event that had been long scheduled and you were an interigal part of, to attend a funeral of a guy that you didn’t know. And your band director is being unreasonable? This wasn’t a family member, a friend, even an acquaintance. And your biggest regret is that you didn’t skip the competition and tell the band director what you thought of him? Perhaps if you weren’t such a self centered slug your biggest regret might be that you didn’t take the time to befriend the boy that killed himself, in the (unlikely) hope that someone’s influence might have changed the outcome.
Good luck in the real world.
A band director is not a boss. S/he is a teacher. Unless you were paid…he was not your boss.
And you were completely devastated by the death of a boy you didn’t even know?
And teachers aren’t there to be sympathetic or hold your hand and say everything will be okay. They’re there to teach and get THEIR paychecks.
Please tell me his last name is Harmon. In Texas. This sounds so much like my band experience many years ago.
Maybe I don’t get it. Why were you so distraught over someone you didn’t know? Maybe I should use that excuse for work:
Me: Hey Boss. Ummm, someone is having a funeral today. I didn’t know them, and they have no relation to me, but I think I should go.
Boss: Sure, why not.
Yay…time off work.
Do you mean “inconsolable” instead of “incomprehensible”?
This story really confuses me… You said you DIDN’T know the boy who killed himself, yet you were SUCH a wreck…and then at the end of the story you did know him? Or was it your “boss” that you were talking about? I’m confused…
You are using big words that you don’t know what they mean.
So why was going to a funeral of someone you didn’t know so important again?
A little confused here in the 2nd paragraph you “didn’t know him” in the last paragraph you stated “during my time knowing him” which is it did you know him or not???
It’s not as if the color guard can’t perform minus one person. You’re not building human pyramids or anything.
Okay…I think I’m not getting something here. I’ve read this story 3 times and I still don’t get it. Somebody you DON’T know killed himself (which I understand is shocking and upsetting), but you were so torn up you basically couldn’t function? I must be missing something or be a completely heartless ass. Basically a total stranger died and you were so severely shaken up you couldn’t perform? I seriously am not trying to be a jerk….I just don’t understand I guess.
No he was your TEACHER.
Ummmm what???? …. who can I ask to get me time back?
Hey…I think I know this band director!
Did you live in Poway California? Cause my brother did and didn’t get to come to my wedding because the band director said if he missed a parade, he was out of the band.
Jerk.
As someone who did color guard for 4 years and 4 years of winterguard, I’d be pretty pissed if someone missed a competition for a funeral of someone they didn’t know. Having a hole in the show usually means points off because formations and such doesn’t look right. Granted I was blessed to have a wonderful band director and amazing coaches, none of them would have been pleased if I said I had to miss a competition for a strangers funeral.
I would have to agree with your boss. Since you did not know the kid you really had no reason to go to the funeral. Funerals are for family and friends to say goodbye to the loved on. Not knowing the deceaced you were neither. A better option would have been to send a card to the parents and write a note inside how his death affected you.
Just wondering- did your boss know you did not know this boy and that’s why he told you that? If it was a true family member or friend he probably would have been nicer about it.
My track coach in middle school was the same! I slammed my finger in a door and got stitches. I told my coach I couldn’t throw discus since I had stitches in the tip of my 2nd finger. His reply: we need you. He took things way too seriously. I did one throw and ripped my stitches out. He said he had no idea the stitches were still in. Prick.
I’m lost. If you DIDN’T Know him, why was it important to go? I thought I read it wrong, but then you clarified that, again, you didn’t know him.
If you didn’t know him then what was the big deal?
Why would you want to go to a funeral of someone you didn’t know? Your boss did you a favor! Funerals suck. Funeral Crasher!
Dear OP, you are a wack job. The end.
I would usually consider a boss as anyone who has authority over you. Why is the fact that it wasn’t a technical boss such a HUGE deal to everyone?? Once again, ppl getting on here just to criticize other ppl… And the OP admitted that is was kinda stupid how incomprehensibile s/he was so why is everyone so mad at OP? THEY KNOW IT WAS DUMB or they wouldn’t have put it in their story! As for the BOSS (band director), I think the point of the story was that the boss didn’t know that the OP didn’t know the suicide person. OP was pointing out that the director would have acted the same way even if it had been OP’s brother/sister or grandparent…
Hey, I was in band during high school too. In fact, I was in band from 9th to 12th grade. There’s one little thing I learned in band that you probably didn’t learn . . .
The only way you can be excused from a scheduled and long-practiced competition is if it’s a true emergency. Severe illness, funeral of a family member, car accident, and broken bones are among those emergencies. Sometimes even the weather can cancel or delay a competition (though I’ve marched in light rain before). Funerals of complete strangers don’t count as one of them.
I understand why the OP freaked about the death–close to home, missed opportunity, the abstract thought process still developing etc.
Not that I disagree with the band director.
Some of you people are unbelievable. First of all, try to remember that the OP was a CHILD at the time. This might have been the first death the OP really encountered as a thinking person. Second, some of you clearly don’t understand how tight-knit church communities work. As a member of the church community, the OP felt the loss even without knowing the deceased personally. The OP may have had friends and relatives who were also devastated by the loss.
For all of you who can’t fathom how a person could be deeply moved by the death of a person they don’t know, remember Princess Diana? 9/11? Columbine? People leave flowers at memorials for people they don’t know all the time. Just because YOU don’t give a damn about anyone unless you’ve known them for 10 years, don’t assume everyone else’s emotional threshold is the same as yours.
I was in marching band in high school (drumline) and my band director was the same way. You miss one practice, you’re letting down the band. You sure as hell better not miss a competition. He was understanding if you had a good excuse (like an actual medical reason you had to be out of the action for a little while) or if you were attending the funeral of a family member or close friend.
Considering the many many countless hours that we put in at practices, football games, and competition all in the boiling hot sun, you really are letting down the rest of the band if you blow off a competition, the very reason you practice for all those countless hours every week in the hot sun almost every damn day. Really if you were going to blow a band event off, you should have blown off the football game. Nobody will miss one instrument in the stands, and even if you’re not in the show at halftime, most people wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Where as at the competition there are professional judges critiquing your every move and those of your band and section. Best to be there rather than let everyone down, there are probably more times than you realize that someone in that band uses you as a reference point for something. lol
My high school band director was a slave driver. We didn’t even get water breaks, we got “gush and goes” which was where you quickly set your instrument down, ran to the stands by the practice field to get a quick drink of water, and then ran back to your instruments to keep going. This process took all of 30 seconds. Most of the time I didn’t even bother with the trouble of setting the drum down to run and get water, it would actually make you more exhausted. All our hard work paid off though. We took home first place everywhere we went for 3 years (had a terrible band director my first year, got the awesome one for my last 3), best drumline, best colorguard, best horn line, best drum major, you name it, we got it.
After my senior year, he left to take a job with a school closer to where he grew up to move back with his family. I found out that for the last 2 years the band has failed under the new director, who gives them breaks, doesn’t make them practice on the field when it’s too hot (we had band camp all day outside for 3 weeks straight in 100 degree weather), and they have not won a single trophy in 2 years. Not one.
I can sympathize with you. There was more than one time that I would liked to have climbed that tower and tossed him over the edge of it, but looking back, I’m glad he made us work so hard, because we never would have won every trophy at every competition we went to if he hadn’t worked us so hard.
As for those of you who have ignorantly said that it’s not a real job since you’re not being paid, has your boss ever made you do pushups or run laps because you didn’t memorize music, or because you made a mistake? Has your boss ever made you run uphill with a drum on in order to build endurance to get you through a show? Do you have to go to band camp for 3 weeks every year all day in the hot sun (typically in the hottest days of summer, 100 degree weather here in the south) and memorize 3 different songs and drill (your position on the field in relation to each set, there are a couple hundred sets in a show) in those 3 weeks? Have you ever had to be out all night playing an instrument on Friday night, get back to the band room around 11PM-midnight, put all your instruments up and get everything packed up, leave no sooner than at least another 30 minutes, and then be back at usually 6AM that same morning to practice before you load up to travel to your competition?
I’ve done some hard work in my life, but I have never nor do I think I ever will work as hard as I did when I was in band. If anything, your easy desk jobs are nothing compared to what we had to do and so your simple complains don’t belong here.
Poster, you fail at life.
I’m flabbergasted by your use of the word “incomprehensible” . Were you thinking of the word “inconsolable”?
The sudden death of a close friend is a tragedy, but you wanted to attend the funeral of someone you didn’t know? That’s incomprehensible.
This should’ve been written better. Maybe I’m just a grammar nazi.
Sheesh….you didn’t know the kid. You’re a total fucking drama queen and the “boss” should have kicked your ass out of the color guard.
Idiot.
someone you didn’t know killed themselves… so then what do you care? if you didn’t know them then it doesn’t effect you. they were obviously a weak minded individual and this world is better off without them. also, the color guard is gay. find something worthwhile to do.