What Would You Do?

To say that my former boss has a bit of an alcohol problem is like
saying the Grand Canyon is a neat crevice. He’s a binge drinker. He
might go three months without a drink, but when he finally does give
up sobriety it’s pretty awful. We had a big shindig around New Years
to celebrate all the holidays. Open bar, great party. I saw the boss
sneak into a dark room with a woman I didn’t know, but it wasn’t
unusual for him to become amorous at such a party. He was drinking,
afterall. Monday morning following the party he called me in to his
office. He apologized profusely for his unbecoming behavior. I was a
little confused about what he was talking about, but I let him
continue. Then suddenly it dawned on me, he thought I was the person
he “got jiggy” with. Rather than correct him, as I probably should
have done, I simply told him to not worry about it. A few weeks later
my husband and I received wonderful news: pregnant! Unable to keep it
to ourselves, I announced it to our whole department. My boss went
beat red and called me, once again, into his office. As I shut the
door behind me, he insisted I get an abortion. He even offered to pay.
He thought it was his baby! Now, this is the part of the story where
my decisions become a bit questionable. I told him I was keeping it
and there was nothing he could do about it. He started sobbing about
his poor wife and how this would kill her, seeing me around the office
with my growing belly. He knew he couldn’t fire me, so he offered me
four months of severance pay to just walk away. Rubbing my tummy I
told him 4 months pay wouldn’t be nearly enough to raise his child, so
he upped the ante: 4 months severance pay plus $100 a month until the
baby turned 18, so long as I kept my mouth shut. I typed up the
agreement on his computer, we both signed it, and when my kid turns 18
he will have a nice trust fund for college.

Fruity Flies

I work at one of those self serve frozen yogurt stores that seem to be
popping up everywhere. My bosses, a husband and wife, are actually
really nice so I’m not complaining about treatment. However, about two
weeks ago, some fruit flies got into one of the machine and ruined two
batches of yogurt. Being the only one able to clean the machine I came
in early to get it done. My boss, the wife, called me up and told me
that I shouldn’t have come to clean the machine because what they
usually do is just pick the flies out. Her exact words we’re “They’re
not poisonous, and now, because you cleaned the machine, you
threw away two full hoppers of yogurt.” I just agreed with her
mumbling something about next time I’d know better, but I made a
personal promise that day to never just “pick out the flies”. I like
my job but I’m not that gross, and I really don’t mind cleaning the
machines all that much.

B.O.

I worked at a job once where our manager had the worst BO ever. It
might’ve been OK, except he was kind of a jerk, too.

When we had our morning meetings in his office, we had to sit around a
large conference table with him. We tried every morning to leave the
door open, but he insisted on closing it, and literally, the stink was
so bad it would gag you.

So one night very late (our company had 24 hour shifts), I snuck into
his office with a stick-up air freshener to put under the conference
table in the hopes that it would help.

When I crawled under the table, I found about a dozen stick-ups
already there! I went ahead and stuck mine on too, but as others
before me had already found it, it didn’t help.

Lucky for me, I got a promotion and a transfer out of there shortly
after.

The Dog

My boss came into the office last week an utter wreck because his dog
had died. I felt so bad for the guy as the dog was his life. He was a
lonely old widower–no children, completely on his own–until he
adopted this ugly Chinese Crested that was his best friend. He took
that dog with him everywhere. After a while the dog grew on all of us
and he became a fixture in our building. We were all pretty melancholy
when he told us the news. Fast forward to yesterday, I walked into his
office and there was the dog, still as a statue. I about jumped out of
my skin. My boss chuckled and said, “Ain’t she a beaut! I had her
taxidermied, now she will always be with me!”

I’ll be damned if he doesn’t now carry that creepy stuffed dog with him everywhere.
I am a little concerned for his mental stability.