The Crazy Cat Lady

I do basic housecleaning work to make ends meet. One day I had an
appointment to meet a new client. I arrived to be greeted by an older
woman standing on her front porch in her underwear screaming at stray
cats. Being desperate for money, this did not scare me. I began
cleaning her home when I noticed a cupboard full of medication. Making
small talk, I asked her what is so wrong that she needs all the medication.
She explained it was for her dementia but refused to take them because
they “made her feel weird.” Ok, so now I’m getting scared.

I continued to clean while she sat on her couch crying about how
miserable her life was and how she hated the outside world. Being a
nice girl, I offered to run a few errands for her. Her shopping list
included every embarrassing drug store item you can think of and $200
worth of cat food, that was it. The cashier now has a story to
share in the break room about the lady with the intestinal problems
who eats cats food.

When I get back, the lady freaked out and said everything I bought was
wrong and proceeded to throw various cans of Friskies at me. I grabbed
my stuff and ran, never looking back. I didn’t even stick around for
her to pay me. Oh well!

F The Cold

I have a medical condition that is a bit odd. I have cold urticaria.
Basically, I am allergic to the cold. If I am exposed to cold air for
longer than 10-15 minutes, once I start warming back up I get hives
all over my skin. It itches so badly that I will scratch until I
bleed. I have scars on my legs from a reaction a few years ago. I work
as a stocker in a grocery store. My supervisor thinks it is hilarious
to ask me to spend the whole morning stocking the dairy and beer
sections. I tried not to complain, and after the first time it
happened I brought in extra clothing to wear for the next time he
asked me. He thinks it is hilarious to watch me break out and spend
the afternoon scratching myself raw. The second time he assigned me to
the dairy case, I began to bundle up to avoid a reaction. He saw me
and said he would write me up for violating the uniform code. It would
help if I took a Benedryl, but then I wouldn’t be able to do my job
because I would be so drowsy. My doctor has told me there isn’t much I
can do, beyond bundling up or taking a Benedryl, and because my
condition is more of a nuisance than an emergeny medical condition, he
can’t really write me a note that my supervisor will take seriously. I
would complain to the store manager, but my supervisor is the
manager’s can’t-do-anything-wrong son. I’m fucked until I find a new
job.

I’m Sure That’s Why You Go To Gay Bars

On Friday nights my friends and I like to go to the gay bars to go
queer baiting. Last Friday we were just starting the fun when my boss
walked in wearing a pair of chaps, a vest with no shirt on, a fake
mustache, and a black cowboy hat. He looked like one of the Village
People. We snuck out the back, now I can’t even look him in the eye. I
guess we have to find a new Friday night activity…

The Anthro

I’m a grad student working on my PhD in anthropology. I am concerned
that my advisor is going to drop me because it seems we have some
major differing “opinions” as to the purpose of anthropology. You see,
my advisor seems to be on a quest to use “science” to prove the
existence of God. Every time they find an ancient piece of wood near
Mount Ararat, she’s trying to get the first flight over there so she
can evaluate it first hand. She doesn’t believe in evolution and gets
raging mad when anyone suggests Australophithecus or any other hominid
species is at all related to modern man. She picks and chooses what
scientific methods to believe in, depending on whether or not the
method will tend to support or disprove her hypothesis (for example,
sometimes she believes in carbon dating, other times she claims it is
the most unreliable method to ascertain the true age of an item).
She’s absolutely mad. I would like to try to get a new advisor but I’m
a bit afraid to ask around the department for fear word will get back
to her and she’ll drop me before I have plan B in place. I don’t know
how she ever lasted so long in this field, or how she rose to the
level she’s at today.