Old Moneybags

My boss is old. And fat. And bald. He’s not sexy like Hugh Heffner,
though. Three weeks ago he married a hot 23-year-old blonde with
thighs that could crack walnuts and breasts that make grown men yearn
for milk. She’s so hot I’d consider having my first lesbian
experience. This is his ninth marriage. His wives get younger with
each marriage. I don’t know how he does it. Aside from the money,
anyhow. He’s got more money than God. No amount of money would be
worth it, though, he’s gross. I give the marriage 6 months, tops.

The Caboose

I’m the railroader who posted a story a couple of months ago about
what my boss said when one of our train engineers hit a cow. Now it’s
time for a story about his boss.

First off, let me say that the part of the government that governs
the railroads and how they are run is very, VERY serious about
reporting injuries immediately. I have signs all over my workplace
stating “Report any injury – no matter how minor – to your foreman AT
ONCE”. This will come into play later.

When I’m not a conductor on a train, I usually work as what is called
a “carman”. A carman’s job is to inspect train cars for any problems,
and to repair any problems we may find. This includes changing brake
shoes. I was underneath a train car one night, trying to put a new
brake shoe into place, and I overestimated how much room I had to
move around. I ended up smashing my left index finger between a brake
pad and the bottom of the train car. I told my foreman, she and I did
all the paperwork, and due to the nature of the injury, I had it
checked out at the local clinic the following morning. No broken
bones, so I was good for work.

That was in early May. Fast forward to June 16, and I’m talking to
the boss in question. His title is “Trainmaster”. He’s sitting around
in our break room, listening to us calmly voice our complaints about
how various people are interfering with our work, and how, as my
foreman put it, “quite frankly, it’s bullshit.” The trainmaster
looked over at her and said, pointing to me, “You think all that’s
bullshit? I had to do a buttload of paperwork because this guy
bruised his finger.” He then started saying in a mocking tone, “Oooh,
ow, I hurt my finger, I may have broken it, I need to waste company
money by going to the hospital.”

I was a bit off put, to say the least.

I kept my cool though. I said, “Boss, when I was 14, I broke my thumb
in an accident. When I smashed my finger, it felt almost exactly the
same as I remember it, and it was bruising and swelling. What did you
want me to do, not tell you, and then have the Feds breathing down our
neck for not reporting injuries?”

He looked at me and said, “No, I expect you to suck it up next
time.”

Crap like that is why I don’t have plans to stay here forever…

Lose A Chin & Everyone Wins

I work in the accounting department for a major retail company. Our
department supervisor recently lost 100 pounds. It’s great but now he
wants everyone else in the department to get in shape and has resorted
to namecalling and guilting folks for their weight. To one of my male
co-workers: “Hey fatty, your tits are about touching your belly
button!” To one of my female co-workers: “No wonder you’re single,
double-stuff, lose a chin and everyone wins!” There were enough
complaints to the home office that he was reprimanded for saying
offensive things. Things were quiet for about a week, then we came in
on Monday and everyone’s desks had been replaced with “walking desks.”
So now we have to walk on a treadmill for 8 hours a day while we try
to crunch numbers and run reports. Not only that, but he has them set
to 2 miles per hour which is a slow walking pace but is difficult to
work and keep up the pace. I’m tempted to start having cheesecakes
anonymously delivered to his house on a regular basis.

Sh*t Is Bananas

Yesterday my boss ate a nasty, brown, overripe banana then
put the peel in the garbage can by my desk. There is nothing worse
than smelling rotten bananas all day. This morning, I put the banana
peel in the trash can by HIS desk. Now he can spend the rest of the
week smelling it.